It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these and since I am trying to be a better blogger…..so why not.
Something that makes me cry…….well. If you know me well, you know that list would be huge. Hallmark. Biggest Loser. A romantic movie. A book. A love letter. A out-of-the-blue hug. But lately, the biggest cry inducer has been my health.
I think everyone knows that I have been “sick” for awhile, dealing with migraines. Not everyone knows that I am also dealing with depression. I haven’t made that completely public although therapy is helping me realize that there should be no stigma related to that. Although I think we all know that there is. Depression = crazy, right? Anyway – I was officially diagnosed last year but who knows how long its actually been. I have bad days…and good days. Like most of you. There are things that aggravate it. Things that makes it better. There are days when I feel “normal” (as normal as I can be eh?? lol). I’d been putting off actually going to therapy because I was one of those people who didn’t believe in it. I figured I would go to therapy and the counselor would take something small and insignificant and make a big deal out of it. I figured therapy would make things worse.
I gotta tell you – so far, things are not that way. Sure, my therapist leads me to things I might not talk about in normal conversations. And sure, I get angry about things I don’t want to talk about. But by the end of the session, I feel good. I feel like eventually, we are going to find out why I’ve retreated into myself and why I am feeling the way I feel. She has her own idea……which, I am not sold on. I guess I am still fighting the system a bit.
I have learned three things:
1. I let certain people walk over me.
2. I compete with everyone. Actually, I don’t know if compete is the right word but I don’t know another one to use.
3. I need to be in control. This is so evident since having kids.
I gotta tell you, the control issue took me for a loop. Me – a control freak?!?! But I totally am. It explains A LOT! It really does. The funny thing about it is that if I can’t be in control……then I completely lose ALL control. It’s very strange…I don’t get it.
ANYWAY. So I cry a lot. I cry because I am sad. Or I don’t feel good. Or my head is pounding. Or I am feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Or because I miss someone.
I also cry because my husband knows when I need him to hold my hand, wipe my tears or be completely silly. I cry because I have two smart kids who are also loving and generous. I cry because I have a support system who loves me, no matter what.
I like those good cries the most.